When I say never, I mean, absolutely 100% NEVER have I ever wanted to be a stay at home mom.
This is ZERO judgement if you are a stay at home mom.
I freaking bow down to you if you are a stay at home mom. You are the real MVP.
I love my kids more than I can even express to you, but it’s just simply not in me to be a stay at home mom. I need adult interaction.
I need to feel productive outside of being someone’s snack bitch all day long.
So, why am I a stay at home mom this week?
My daycare provider is on vacation. My kids go to an in home daycare and she takes one full week of vacation a year. I had completely forgot about it until she text us a couple of weeks ago to remind us.
And I must disclose that I wasn’t even a real stay at home mom. I had a lot of help from a lot of people.
I initially thought, “GREAT, I’ll be on maternity leave so I won’t have to find someone to watch them.”
Then I thought, “OH SHIT. I’ll be on maternity leave so I’ll have to watch them.”
See the difference there?
Jolee and I were falling into such a great routine during the day. Her awake time and her nap time were becoming very predictable. She was feeding like a champ; everything was just going so well.
Routine. Routine was happening with Jolee and I.
And Raelynn and Briar were for sure going to throw a major wrench in that.
Even though they are very, very predictable, I was just really nervous to have them all by myself.
One really great thing is a local church was having a vacation bible school this week that would accommodate to children that were Raelynn’s age.
We asked Raelynn if she wanted to go and she immediately said yes. This was Monday – Friday from 9 a.m. – 12:45 p.m. I was happy about this because I figured they would keep Raelynn more entertained than I could. Plus she would be in a room with kids that were all her age. PLUS, it was basically 4 hours each day that she would be out of the house exercising her mind, which I love.
I was also going to take this time with Briar being home to really buckle down with her potty training.
We have been using her pull up as a crutch, big time lately, which I knew was going to happen when Jolee came along just from being lazy on Scott and I’s part. No other word for it but lazy. This was also a plus in hopes to get her in big girl underwear for the majority of the day.
Monday June 10
I dropped Raelynn off at vacation bible school (VBS). I got emotional when she very willingly went into her classroom and started to play with the kids. Where did this big girl come from? I told Scott I was going to be a freaking mess whenever she started actual school next year. Briar went with me to drop her off and of course, she wanted to stay. That was a huge meltdown. Jolee stayed at home with Scott. He was actually off work this day. Praise the lord.
Soon after that, Jolee had her one month checkup.
Well, let me just tell you about this shit show.
Briar wanted to go with me, which was perfectly fine. Even though Scott was off, he was being productive outside and Briar wanted to go with me so whatever, it was fine.
***Keep in mind, this was Briar’s first day in underwear***
Briar had done okay in underwear that morning so I kept her in them.
As soon as we got to the doctor’s office she peed all over the floor in the waiting room and OF COURSE the waiting room was packed with people. I got the side eye from so many people today. I felt ALL the judgement. And OF COURSE Jolee was not happy and started screaming her head off. At this time, they called me up to the window to get a copy of my insurance card. And Briar peed everywhere, AGAIN. IN FRONT OF E V E R Y O N E.
Meanwhile, Jolee is still screaming her little heart out. When I finally cleaned up both messes off the floor, we were called back to our room. A friend of mine works there and in passing she jokingly said, “IS THAT YOUR KID THAT IS MAKING ALL THAT NOISE!?” I laughed and said, “Yes, today it’s mine making all the noise.”
Jolee had to get one shot at this appointment. When it was time for her shot, my friend came back in and asked how everything has been going. I was telling her about Jolee screaming and Briar’s potty fail’s today and I happened to look over at Briar who was innocently sitting in the chair…and she was soon sitting in a puddle of pee in the chair. Literally, as I was talking to my friend about her peeing in the waiting room, she peed in the chair. ***Insert huge, long sigh and eye roll***
The rest of this day was okay for the most part. Just crazy busy. I was exhausted by the end of the day.
Tuesday June 11
I was dreading this day because I was really going to be by myself.
Scott’s mom took Raelynn to VBS and picked her up today and she was going to for the rest of the week. Huge relief for me.
I was looking forward to spending time with only Briar and really focusing on her pottying.
Let me tell you, she is so damn stubborn.
She is 100% okay with sitting in wet underwear. She peed on the couch twice and didn’t even flinch.
I had zero idea she peed until I got her off the couch. She was just sitting there, reading her book and just peed like it was all okay.
Then we were watching cartoons and she literally did not even blink her eyes when she let out that warm stream of pee.
I thought kids were supposed to hate being in wet underwear. Not this one. Not Briar. GOOD LORD THIS WAS GOING TO BE FRUSTRATING!
Briar is so incredibly loud. Everything she does is loud. She talks loud. She yells even louder. She walks loud. She runs even louder. She eats loud. When she’s happy, she’s loud. When she’s pissed, she’s even louder. You get the picture. So insert Briar into mine and Jolee’s quiet time and it equates to a 4 week old that does not sleep well because her older sister is just so damn loud!
When Raelynn got home, she did not want to be home. She wanted to be with Scott’s mom. So she had a huge breakdown. I promised her we would go to the park when Briar woke up.
I instantly regreted those words. How on earth was I supposed to take 3 kids to the park BY MY DAMN SELF?! What in God’s name was I thinking.
But I promised. And I’ve been trying to keep my promises better, especially to my kids.
So Briar got up, and off to the park we went.
I have been promising Raelynn that we would take her bike to the park the next time we went. We don’t have anywhere at home for her to ride it. So, if I take Raelynn a bike, I have to take Briar a bike. And then I packed the stroller for Jolee and also her baby carrier in case she didn’t like stroller.
Literally, what was I thinking?
Just a small preview of how the park went…Raelynn actually rode her bike and enjoyed it. Briar rode her bike for about 2 feet then decided she didn’t want to anymore, but then she also couldn’t walk and push her bike so I had to carry her bike. Jolee wanted nothing to do with her stroller so I had to put her in the carrier all while pushing the stroller and carrying Briar’s bike.
Great idea, Keisha. Go to the park with 3 kids…
Something that is occuring more often than not is Raelynn and Briar fighting. And it’s mainly Raelynn’s fault. She is such an instigator and then likes to pretend it wasn’t her fault. They fought nonstop that evening.
Jolee is starting to get fussy in the evenings, from about 5 pm – 7 pm. This on top of the girls arguing was enough to make a grown man cry.
I was so spent by the end of day. Mentally and emotionally DONE. I went to bed that evening with the mentality that tomorrow is a new day.
Wednesday June 12
I was determined to make today a better day.
When Jolee was sleeping, Briar and I basically stayed outside. I took toys, coloring books, snacks outside so Jolee could have her peace and quiet inside. She sleeps in a swing in our living room and we were on the porch. I keep the blinds open to the windows, so all I have to do is peek in every once in a while to make sure all is well and she isn’t screaming at the top of her lungs.
Staying outside was a great idea because Jolee slept well the majority of the day. She was still fussy from 5 pm – 7 pm which I think is going to be inevitable for the next couple of weeks.
I took Briar to the potty every 45 minutes.
She was accident free this entire day.
And she was in underwear the whole day except for her nap when I put her in a pull up. She even pooped on the potty which has been an issue from the very beginning for us. I really hope today was not a fluke. I hope we are REALLY turning a corner with her.
After VBS, Raelynn went to a friends house to play. She was gone until Scott picked her up after work. She was definitely wore out by the time she got home, but that’s what I wanted.
Briar got some necessary one on one time with me, which I think helped her on the potty as well.
Thursday June 13
After an accident free day, Briar did have one accident this morning. We were back in her room playing while Jolee was sleeping and it just happened. It was okay though. In two days, if she had only one accident, then I was okay with it.
Raelynn, on the other hand, had a tough day.
Raelynn and I just had a tough day together…
She is just at the point where she is constantly testing my patience. And I am trying so hard to have patience.
She wants to be in charge, constantly. And I have a hard time with that. Because I have a hard time with authority.
But damnit, SHE IS ME. She is a controller of all things, she is persistent to a damn fault, she is so determined.
I recently read an article that said something to the affect of, if a girl has these type of personality traits, we try to squash them by saying, “Don’t be so demanding.” or “Don’t tell so and so what to do.” or “Please ask, next time.” BUT if a little boy has these traits, he’s a natural born leader.
That statement hit me to the core.
I am raising strong little girls.
They need to know they can have these personality traits because I am telling you that Raelynn is going to be an entrepreneur or a CEO one day. She just has it in her. So who am I to kill these traits in her? She needs them. It’s the exact personality traits that allowed me to take risks in my career and land a great job.
I have actually talked to the therapist about how to handle this about her. She suggested that we give her one entire day to tell us what to do. One day where she basically dictates everything. I am going to swallow my pride and allow her to do this in hopes that it will fulfill her need to control things. I can already see a follow up post to this.
Jolee and I also had a rough day. Well, not really a rough day, but a rough night. She just isn’t falling into a good night time routine yet and it’s killing me.
Tonight it took approximately 3 hours to put her to sleep.
Literally 3 hours. I started at 7pm and she didn’t go to sleep until around 10pm.
She is so inconsistent at night. And I keep telling myself, “Okay, Keisha, she is 4 weeks old. You need to chill.” I do eventually, but in the moment, I’m like, “Come on, girlfriend, give it up already.”
When she finally went to sleep I was exhausted just from the whole entire day in general that I just went to sleep with her.
Friday June 14
Today was the day that I was excited about and also very, very nervous for.
After having the girls all week, I was so ready for a break. And I was actually getting it.
Scott’s parents were taking Raelynn and Briar on a mini vacation to Indianapolis.
I was excited for the break, but very, very nervous for my girls to be gone. It’s part of my anxiety.
I’m sure when my mother in law reads this she will think I’m a psychopath.
My in-laws are 100% capable of taking care of my kids. This has nothing to do with them and EVERYTHING to do with me and my anxiety and my fear of, well, everything basically.
I was nervous they were going to get in a wreck on the way there or the way home.
They told me to pack a swimsuit for them because they were going to go swimming. Que all of my fears about drowning and secondary drowning.
Sex trafficking is huge these days. I envisioned my little innocent girls being ripped from their grandparents hands and we would never see them again.
I was more so aggravated with the fact that I had made GREAT progress with Briar on potty training and I KNEW it was going to be erased when she was gone.
Of course…none of this happened.
They had a great time. I had a much needed break. And Briar didn’t have one accident while she was gone. She even came back telling us that she needed to go to the potty. This was huge. I thought we would never get to this point with her.
I just don’t understand why I am like this. I don’t want to be like this. It is so frustrating and exhausting.
Even after 4 years of therapy, here I am, still having major anxiety and fear that is not 100% justified.
Not long after the girls left on Friday, Scott text me and wanted to do something that night. He wanted to go to Tin Roof because a couple of our friends were going to go there to listen to a band. I was instantly turned off by the idea of taking Jolee there mainly because she was being super fussy at night time.
I told him no. Then about an hour later, I had a change of heart. I knew we needed to get out and do something. I had been cooped up in the house all week.
If Jolee was going to cry, then damnit, she was going to cry while I was having a beer with my friends.
I put her down for her nap and I was able to get ready. I never told Scott that I changed my mind. He came home and I was ready and he didn’t even say a word. Like, Hello?!? I actually have clothes on, my hair is fixed, and I even put makeup on!!!! Why are you not acknowledging this?! He thought we were just going to go somewhere else. So, I’ll give him that.
We went to Tin Roof, Jolee was fussy and cried, I had beer, Scott had beer, and we had a good time.
I think I always worry that people will be like, “OMG, can you please get your kid under control?! Like, why did you even bring your kid with you?!”
Well, Karen, because I still need to live my life, but I have a baby attached to my tit. That’s why.
Cheers to this week being over and in the books…onto the next week 🙂