My anxiety has returned this week.
I don’t know what the deal is. So far for 2019, I am finding that the end of the month is a huge trigger for me. I don’t know why, or what is causing it, but just like January, I am anxiety ridden yet once again.
I’m not focused.
I am overwhelmed.
I am lacking productivity.
All of this combined is killing me.
I am trying so hard to find my way out. I am trying so hard to kick this shit, but it is kicking my ass.
Thank the lord I had therapy this week. Follow up from week 23.
I very gently reminded Scott that I had my appointment in hopes that he would join.
I walked into therapy and her face was kind of disappointed. She told me that she expected Scott to be with me. And he was not with me. I told her that I expected the same thing, but here we were.
I wasn’t sure where to go or what to do. We discussed where Scott and I’s relationship stood. Overall, it has been okay since our major falling out. We had been doing the biweekly date nights and it has 100% been helping. It was nice to just break away from the normal hustle of our work day and being parents and just to focus on us without any distraction.
It’s really sad to say, but it’s hard work to make time for ourselves.
It’s so easy to just fall into the routine and do what we know. We don’t know how to take care of our relationship. So our relationship always falls victim to life. We have to start taking care of us. And we are actually trying. My therapist was at least happy to hear this.
I expressed to the therapist that I was already anticipating our next downfall. In June of this year, all of our friends are participating in an adult weekend at a lake house. We did it last year and it was so much fun.
I had already voiced on several occasions that I was not going. I would have a 4 – 6 week old at home and I knew I would not be ready to leave yet. Scott on the other hand has voiced on several occasions that he was going. I have told Scott that if he went, it would be a huge issue. It was not a secret at all how I felt about this situation.
I told the therapist about the many conversations we had about this. She asked if we could compromise.
My initial reaction was, “Fuck no. We cannot compromise.”
But, I knew I had to swallow my pride and listen to what she had to say.
She suggested that maybe he go for one night and then he give me some time off to go do whatever I wanted to do. For me, it just wasn’t that easy, but I could see where she was going with it.
It can’t be all about me and what I want. And I knew that.
For me, it was just a long time for him to be away when I would be a new mother of 3 kids, one of them being 4-6 weeks old.
As the conversation continued, she actually convinced me that it was okay for him to go for one day. I couldn’t believe I ended up being okay with it. But, I knew Scott would be happy when I told him my decision. I felt like a good person and a big person for being okay with this.
I text Scott and told him that I wanted to talk to him that night about my therapy appointment.
That night, we actually talked. He turned the TV off, put the phone down, and looked me in my eyes while we talked about my therapy appointment.
I told him the therapist was surprised that he wasn’t here. She really thought he was going to be. And I thought he was going to be too. No response from him really.
I went straight into adult weekend.
He actually stopped me and told me he wasn’t going.
UH, EXCUSE ME WHAT?
He said, again, that he wasn’t going.
ARE YOU FOR REAL?
He said he was for real.
My jaw was on the floor in disbelief.
He said he didn’t realize how close the due date was to adult weekend. I kind of laughed like, okay, well, the due date hasn’t changed and neither has the date of adult weekend so…..can you even MATH?
I told him that I didn’t even want to explain to him the conversation I had with the therapist now because now I definitely didn’t want to compromise with him! LOL
I did end up telling him what the therapist and I spoke about and he still said he wasn’t going.
My mind was blown twice in about 5 minutes.
Maybe he was finally coming around. Maybe we were finally going to be on the same page for the first time in a long time. It gave me that hope that I’ve been needing for a long time.
Monday, February 25
Strength
Squat Clean
Work up to a 1RM = 105# from the hang
Metcon
“Grace”
30 Clean and Jerks for Time
95#
I modified the weight to 75# and did everything from the hang position.
My time was 4:23.
Wednesday, February 27
Strength
CrossFit Total
Back Squat = 185# – non pregnant max is 235#
Strict Press = 95# = non pregnant max is 100# – I was so close to hitting my max.
Deadlift = #245# – non pregnant max is 275#
Saturday, March 2
Open Workout 19.2
Beginning on an 8-minute clock, complete as many reps as possible of:
25 hanging knee-raises
50 single-unders
15 squat cleans, 55 lb.
25 hanging knee-raises
50 single-unders
13 squat cleans, 75 lb.
If completed before 8 minutes, add 4 minutes to the clock and proceed to:
25 hanging knee-raises
50 single-unders
11 squat cleans, 95 lb.
If completed before 12 minutes, add 4 minutes to the clock and proceed to:
25 hanging knee-raises
50 single-unders
9 squat cleans, 115 lb.
If completed before 16 minutes, add 4 minutes to the clock and proceed to:
25 hanging knee-raises
50 single-unders
7 squat cleans, 135 lb.
Stop at 20 minutes.
My score was 341 reps. This was a repeat workout from 2016. 2016 was my first open. I completed this workout scaled and I got 264 reps. SO, I felt great that I was able to surpass that, going at my own pace, not pushing myself, and 30 weeks pregnant!
