And just like that, I’m on my last work trip of the year! This time, however, I will be gone for an entire week. And I will be in Fort Lauderdale. I have training Monday – Thursday from 7:30 a.m. – 7:00 p.m. and then I have a test on Friday from 8:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m.
I got there extremely early on Sunday so I could enjoy the day at the beach. It was December 2 and it was 85 degree and sunny. I was in heaven. I ate lunch by the beach outside at a nice restaurant. Then walked straight the beach, claimed me a spot, and proceeded to lay there and take in the scenery for 5 hours.
It is a completely different experience being at the beach by yourself as opposed to with your friends or family.
This is going to sound so cheesy, but I really took everything in. The sounds of kids playing nearby, the waves crashing against the beach, the sound of laughter from friends playing cornhole nearby, the feel of the sand, the smell of the salt water.
It was so refreshing to be able to REALLY take everything in.
But it was in that moment, I wished my husband and my kids were with me.
It was one of those situations where you just can’t wait to be by yourself and then the moment you see kids that are of similar age to yours, and you instantly miss your kids.
I kind of had an epiphany moment at this time. I think it just really took me to be alone and in my thoughts to really process something like this.
My whole entire postpartum life, I’ve been really uptight. I religiously abide by the schedule that I set for the kids and myself. So much to a point that I feel like my kids are missing out on fun stuff. Like the beach.
I want my kids to be able to experience fun things that they will remember forever. I want to be able to go on vacations with my family. Like, more than one vacation a year.
And I think mainly because, I’ve never really had a family vacation until recently. We just never had the money growing up. I’m not mad at my family for that. I just want different for my family.
Scott and I have been working so hard this year to get our family out of a financial bind that we’ve been in since we’ve had Briar.
And we have made huge progress. But there is still more progress to me made. And, there are also more setbacks, but for good reason.
This baby was completely unexpected and has caused a lot of anxiety on my part. Mainly because of my broken uterus, but also because of financial reasons. But the closer we get to finding out the gender, I can’t help but be “cautiously” excited.
A third baby is all I’ve ever wanted. And because we have made so much progress, financially, this year, it just feels right. Everything just feels okay right now.
But I still can’t help but be cautious.
I can’t allow myself to get too excited for fear of something happening. I can’t allow myself to attach to this pregnancy for fear of something happening.
Trying to stay distant has become even harder now when I am 100% feeling distinct kicks. As I have previously said, I was feeling kicks here and there. But nothing really major.
As I was sitting on the plane to take off to Fort Lauderdale, I felt unmistakable kicks. Nothing is consistent at this point. I feel them here and there and then sometimes not at all.
How do I stay distant and not connected to a baby that I know is living and growing inside of me that I can now FEEL?
It’s tough. I am ready for my ultrasound in 2 weeks to tell me everything is fine. I KNOW…I REALLY TRULY KNOW everything is fine, but this damn anxious ass head of mine always tries to tell me different. It’s a constant battle.
Non-existent again this week. But, I knew this was going to happen. My training was long and I had zero energy to even try and go to the gym.
I’ll get back on it next week.
